ACT I
Scene 1
The lights come up. David and Laura sit stage center at
a table in a sushi restaurant.
David
Try it.
Laura
I'm afraid
David
Sushi is healthy.
Laura
That's why I'm afraid
David
Embrace your fear. Become one with it. It builds
character.
Laura
I already feel good about myself.
David
I thought women were supposed to be more adventurous than men.
Laura
I'm afraid you're mistaken. Men and women are now equal
in every way. We've spent countless years trying to achieve this and have
at last
succeeded.
David
Personally, I think not
doing this is a mistake. You'll
regret it later.
Laura
Perhaps you should try it as well?
David
Oh, I don't think I'm cut out for it.
Laura
Really?
David
You're much stronger than I am.
Laura
That's no doubt true. I remember mother mentioning
that before I married you.
David
Your mother said I was weak?
Laura
Not exactly She said that I'd always have to be the one
to make the big decisions.
David
She said that, did she?
Laura
Yes, but she said to always let you think you were in
charge. Something about the fragile male ego.
David
Your mother is a very considerate woman.
Laura
We Butler women are cut from stern cloth.
David
I'm not sure that's how that expression goes.
Laura
You decided that on your own, did you?
David
With my wee bitty reptilian brain and everything.
Laura
It's one of the many things I love about you.
(David considers the sushi in front of him.)
David
Am I going to have to be the first one to eat this?
Laura
That seems to be the case.
(David tries the sushi.)
DAVID
Hmm... somewhat fleshy, but good.
LAURA
Fleshy? I'm filled with confidence.
DAVID
Go ahead, it's not so bad.
LAURA
If I die, I want you to have Mr. Skippers.
(Laura takes a sheepish bite of sushi.)
It tastes like raw fish.
DAVID
It is raw fish. And if you die, your batshit cat Mr.
Skippers won't be far behind you.
LAURA
You wouldn't dare harm Mr. Skippers.
DAVID
I'm sure the two of you will be very happy together in kitty
cat heaven.
LAURA
Mother always said this would end badly.
DAVID
What else did your mother say about me?
LAURA
It doesn't matter now, does it? You'll be doing 20 to
life for killing me and Mr. Skippers.
DAVID
No jury would ever convict. I'd claim temporary
insanity.
LAURA
Do I make you crazy my precious?
DAVID
Only in the best and most pleasant way, my lovely.
LAURA
David?
DAVID
Yes dearest one?
LAURA
There's something I need to tell you.
DAVID
You're sleeping with the mailman?
LAURA
No.
DAVID
You'd like to experiment with women and you'd like me to
watch?
LAURA
No, I'm afraid that's not it either.
DAVID
Then what is it, light of my life?
LAURA
Mother needs a place to stay for a while.
(David is stunned... silent...)
DAVID
I think I'd rather move in with Mr. Skippers.
LAURA
It'll just be for a few weeks.
DAVID
My head is starting to hurt.
LAURA
It must be the sushi.
DAVID
You want your mother to move in with us.
LAURA
Just for a while.
DAVID
In with us. Into our happy home.
LAURA
Yes, David.
DAVID
I don't think that's the best idea.
LAURA
It really won't be that bad.
DAVID
I love her, truly I do. Remarkable woman. Makes
great stuffing. But no.
LAURA
She really needs this right now. Ever since father
died, she's just been so lonely.
DAVID
And I sympathize.
LAURA
David...
DAVID
Oh boy. Here it comes.
LAURA
What?
DAVID
The hard sell.
LAURA
I'd never consider forcing you into something you didn't want
to do.
DAVID
This is something I don't want to do.
LAURA
I wish you'd hear me out. Mother thinks the world of
you.
DAVID
You said she thought I was weak minded.
LAURA
Only in the best way.
DAVID
You said she thought I was capable of double homicide.
LAURA
Justifiable double
homicide.
DAVID
Well of course that makes all the difference. What's in
it for me?
LAURA
Ah, I see. This is a negotiation.
DAVID
It's how successful marriages work.
(Laura moves to David's side of the table. Begins to run her fingers through his hair.)
LAURA
Tit for tat?
DAVID
Mmm, I love it when you say that.
LAURA
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
DAVID
You're so not being fair.
LAURA
We could have them wrap the sushi to go and I could eat it
for you... in private.
DAVID
Ok, that's just gross.
LAURA
I'll be at your beck and call. I'll rub your feet the
way you like.
DAVID
Hmm, how long will she be with us?
LAURA
I promise it will only be a little while. Mother just
needs to be around people who love her right now.
DAVID
My whining and moaning about this isn't going to do any good,
is it?
LAURA
No darling, it's not.
DAVID
Perhaps we should get to the part where you make me feel like
this is all my idea? You know... my fragile male ego and all.
LAURA
Whatever you'd like, dear.
(David stands.)
DAVID
Laura, you know I've been thinking... your mother seemed very lonely the last time we saw her.
LAURA
Why yes, David... I noticed the same thing.
DAVID
I've been thinking. It's really not right for us to let her stay in that big drafty house all alone.
LAURA
Why, what did you have in mind, David?
LAURA
I think your mother should come and stay with us for a while.
LAURA
David, that's such a thoughtful gesture. But are you
sure it's not too much of an inconvenience?
DAVID
Not at all. It's what needs to be done. I love
you darling, but I must admit I'm a little shocked that you never thought of
this yourself.
LAURA
Sometimes I can be a such bad daughter.
DAVID
I mean, the woman did thrust you forth from her womb and all.
LAURA
I'm ashamed of myself.
(David sits.)
DAVID
How'd I do?
LAURA
Wonderful, dear.
DAVID
I thought the "thrust from her womb" part was a nice touch.
LAURA
Certainly. Very classy. Do you feel better?
DAVID
I do feel better. And of course I'll have no one to
blame for but myself if this is an utter and complete disaster. I mean,
this was my idea and all.
LAURA
Yes dear, but I won't hold it against you.
Lights fade.